A week from tomorrow, Sunday, November 17th 2024, I’m making a covenant with my Savior and choosing to be baptized. This public day of proclaiming my faith will be one of the most meaningful days of my entire life, as precious as my wedding day. Many people who know and love me don’t grasp the significance of this, and while I grieve this fact, I can’t condemn them.
For those who aren’t walking with God and in true relationship, and for those who haven’t experienced what I have, of course there’s confusion, coldness, or even the opinion that it’s unnecessary, especially for someone like me who was baptized as a baby. I know right where they are at, because like them, I never quite understood this bold proclamation of faith. I’m ashamed to admit that the old me would have thought a full immersion baptism was an unnecessary and extravagant public display. I’m as guilty as those who are now dismissing this beautiful event in my life.
What led me to this decision to boldly surrender my life to God? Simply this: He saved me in the most real way on Labor Day weekend this year.
Over the last decade my husband and I have endured and are still enduring one trial after another – it has been a long and painful valley that brought me to the very end of myself. Shortly following sunrise on September 1st, after enduring a sleepless, terrifying night chained by anxiety and fear, I face planted on rock bottom. I broke first in front of my husband, crying out, “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do this anymore.”
He lovingly comforted me but was unable to rescue me – for no matter how much someone loves you – they can’t provide soul and heart healing. Divine love is the only thing that truly heals. My heart lay scattered in pieces on the floor. My will and resolve and all the strength I had relied on was absolutely gone, and I knew of only two options in that moment: mental institution or God.
I decided to give God a try first. Delirious with anxiety and heartache, I made my way up to our bonus room. I don’t even recall how I had the strength to walk, and looking back, it’s apparent that in many ways God carried me up the stairs. Armed with my phone, the small devotion book, Jesus Calling, and the Bible, I sat down with tears blurring my vision. I opened Jesus Calling. Please keep in mind – coincidences don’t exist in life. Everything is His design, and if I can give you one piece of small evidence, here are the first few lines from Jesus Calling on September 1st.
“Seek me with your whole being. I desire to be found by you, and I orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose I mind.”
When I saw those words – I broke again, in front of God. This one line struck the core of my broken heart and resonated so loudly I couldn’t ignore Him any longer. Lovingly, He was reaching out, reminding me that He wanted me to find Him. God had been trying to reach me for years – I have so many memories of Him reaching out – but I had never truly thrown my arms around Him. He wanted me to read these words on this day and to truly listen to Him. For the first time in my life, I listened.
Sobbing, I dropped to the floor on my knees, folded in half, pressed my forehead to the ground, and palms flipped toward the heavens, I truly and completely surrendered to God. I told Him I couldn’t carry it all anymore, I asked Him to take all that I was, my life, my heart. I didn’t want to be in control anymore.
I spent hours in that room, alternating between sobbing, praying, and watching Christian videos on anxiety and worry to settle my nervous system. I read a bit of scripture, but mostly wept, prayed, and watched sermons online. I repeated this process for the entire day.
The current of emotion in the room – the very powerful presence of Jesus – He was there with me that day. I didn’t see him with my eyes, but we don’t have to see to know. I felt His spirit to the core of my being. By sunset that evening, I arrived in a foreign land, a place of absolute, preternatural peace. Intellectually, I knew of the Philippians 4 passage that mentions peace that surpasses all understanding, but that day . . . I experienced it for the first time in my life.
Because of the profound peace I felt, I woke the next day and have every day since then chasing Him hard because my way never worked. Trying to be the god of my own life had only gutted me and everyone around me. Chasing God has led to a beautiful new life. The thing that surprises me most after a couple months of walking with Him is that the peace hasn’t left, nor has it diminished. Instead, it has multiplied beyond my expectations along with an overwhelming love for Him.
I find myself on my knees so often, because the love I feel from Him and the love I feel for Him, I can’t describe it. Being a writer, I should be equipped to convey this emotion with a clever turn of phrase, but I simply can’t, because this love is NOT of this world. It is heavenly love, a gift from Him, bought with His blood, and there are no human words that come close to describing this.
The further I get into this journey I realize that it’s not simply the last ten years that brought me to this moment, but in fact, it’s my entire life. A control freak to the core, I tried to be the superhero of my own life, leaning into my courage and strength, using God as a crutch instead of relying absolutely and completely on His guidance. Crutches don’t work. I can tell you from first-hand experience, this will only leave you bloody, battered, and miserable.
Even with God you will be bloodied and battered – we live in a fallen and sinful world. But the difference is that when Jesus is at the center of your life, when you walk hand in hand with Him, you are gifted with endless love, strength, and peace, and He will carry you and all that you have to endure. Even if you don’t realize it, He’s carrying you right now.
I look back on the span of my life and recall the painful times and the times when I turned from Him, when I committed sins that I thought were beyond redemption, when I chased things that I knew were hurting me, and I realize now what His presence feels like and know He’s been with me every step of the way. He’s with you right now, right where you are.
Finding Jesus, falling in love with Him – it has given me an excitement and peace I’ve never known. I am relaxed for the first time in my life. For an enneagram 1 who is a perfectionistic control freak – this is HUGE! For those who know me personally – they have seen a profound transformation.
Shortly after I began walking with God, I started watching the series, The Chosen. I would highly recommend this series to those seeking God and those who already know him. There’s this line that Mary Magdalene speaks in one of the first episodes when a Jewish Rabbi inquires after the man who healed her.
She replies, “All I know is that I was one way . . . and now I’m completely different and the thing that happened in between was Him.”
I am Mary Magdalene. I was one way, and now I’m completely different and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
I am a new creation, born again of the spirit. I’m leaning not into my own understanding, but instead I’m trusting Him with all my heart. And he is making my paths straight for the first time. This freedom is glorious. The shackles have been broken, and where there was death there is now life.
Baptism is a bold, beautiful, and humbling act of faith and love. When I emerge from that water next Sunday, I am proclaiming that I am a new creation made in His image – the only thing that will be better than next Sunday is when I enter His arms someday. I want all of you to have and experience His reckless love and the profound peace He offers freely. His kingdom and love are yours, always and forever. Simply seek Him with your whole being, He desires to be found by you.