“If you’re life has to go a certain way to be happy and at peace, you will never be happy and at peace.” Mark Comer
I’m a former hot mess – as in totally disgusting – you may not have seen it on the outside, but inside – it was hideous. And now? The old Tammy is gone. I’m transformed. I’m beautiful. I’m healed. Cured. Completely and utterly filled with joy. One of my besties told her husband, “It’s so weird talking to Tammy, it’s like talking to a different person. She’s so calm.” Others have said they can see the transformation in my face; my eyes are light, my countenance is different.
I am different. In the best way.
For the first time in my life, despite my circumstances, despite the fact that my health waxes and wanes unpredictably, despite the fact that my son still endures a trial that just doesn’t seem to end, despite the fact that my friend is in the middle of her own personal hell as she processes a situation that has been so brutal that it breaks her heart and mine, I am happy and at peace. I wake up with purpose, joy, and an incredible desire to push through the day and distribute heaps of love to those I know, to strangers, and even to my enemies. Yes – even to my enemies.
And so, my Christmas wish is that all of you would experience what I now have. I want you to have this constant and ever-present peace, and I want you to experience the overwhelming, reckless love that I feel daily. It will transform not only your life but everyone in your family and your circle.
How is this possible? Simple: Jesus.
I never thought a life of peace was available to me. An enneagram 1, I can first recall feeling the tug of anxiety and perfectionism as far back as a young four-year-old kindergartner. From the time I was very young, I walked on a tightrope of flawless performance and was never able to relax. A ball of nerves and an intelligent over-achiever to the core, I strove endlessly for perfectionism in every arena of my life from my career to my family to my body. Nothing escaped my clutches. I needed order and absolute control. This feeling intensified after a series of sins that made me feel unworthy of God’s love – I will reveal that story someday.
What I can tell you, is that too much perfectionism and control in people usually masks something sinister.
I wish I could show you how chaotic and dark the inside of my heart and mind were before September 1st when I had my encounter with God (read my last blog post for information on this). I so wish I had a “before” image of myself. Too bad they don’t have an Xray for this kind of thing – if they did, it would look like an out-of-control lung cancer. I was black and tarry – being suffocated from the inside out. I was dying. I was always perched on the very edge, existing in a precarious state of flight-or-flight my entire life.
I managed – but it wasn’t always pretty. I relied on my own strength and my daily fitness addiction, beating of my body, feeding off an endorphin high from intense exercise to crush the overwhelming disaster inside of my heart and head. But then? I became ill – I’m beginning to understand my self-demanding lifestyle precipitated this event. And by 2021, I could no longer rely on my fitness idol to carry me through. My health continued to fail to the point where I wanted to die. In fact, given all that’s happened in the last few years, all the trials, I flirted with the idea that being dead would be better than enduring anymore suffering. I spiraled.
I lived my ENTIRE life like this. Always striving, searching, pushing myself, relying on my own strength, crafting the perfect existence, secretly hating myself . . . and then it came crashing down.
And the one who picked me up of the floor and saved me from self-destruction: Jesus.
He loves me and each and every one of you. He adores you, delights in you, and craves to be close to you. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you have done – he desires to be found by you. All you have to do is SEEK him with your whole heart. This is what Christmas is all about; it’s celebrating and honoring God’s son. God loved us enough to send his son to walk among us in this broken and fallen world. Jesus experienced everything – all the misery, pain, loneliness and suffering. Even though he was perfect and Immanuel (God with us), he willingly sacrificed himself on the cross and rose again, defeating death, so that we could have LIFE.
We were never meant to carry the weight of this life. We were designed to be children of God; he is always there, waiting patiently in absolute love and acceptance. I knew he was there. I had the knowledge that he existed, that his son came to die for us that we may have life. However, knowledge isn’t an action, it’s a hollow noun. Knowing God exists and occasionally talking to him or popping into church once a week won’t provide the utter and complete transformation that I want for you this season.
Growing up in a Lutheran church and school I intellectually knew all the things about God, the gospel, Jesus, the death and resurrection, and yet again it must be emphasized that knowledge isn’t experience. Only recently did I invest in a continual experience with God. Experience translates into relationship – an investment of time.
Relationship is what leads to true and lasting transformation and personal growth. That day – September 1sth – where I broke in front of God and encountered him, I wasn’t yet transformed. He lovingly met me at the depth of my surrender, and because of what I experienced with him, I held on tightly and sought him daily. As with anything in life, what you put in is what you get out. It’s that simple. And, I never want to go back to my old life, not ever.
You can’t reap the benefits without the investment, and the effort will be so worth the reward. Start reading the Bible, even if its only five minutes a day, and start with the gospels. Pray. Journal. Talk to others on this journey. Listen to podcasts. Read books on God. Watch videos. There is so much out there – we live in a world where God is literally at your fingertips. If you show up, if you seek a relationship consistently, he will heal you. Change you. Transform you. But even if you don’t show up, he will be right there, loving you and waiting on you.
Today is December 11, 2024, only three months after starting this journey, and my entire world is this blinding and beautiful light, which makes sense, because that is what Jesus is: the light of the world. Truly – I am healed more and more each day. It’s a miracle. It’s available to all of you.
This world doesn’t offer us anything except confusion and disappointment – and if we look to something the world promises will heal us or define us, it will only go so far and it’s fleeting and unstable. When you look to God, you will arrive and stay in a place of true peace, love, purpose and identity. His healing is the only thing that lasts.
It doesn’t mean you won’t suffer – we live in a broken and sinful world filled with corruption and evil. Jesus doesn’t promise that you won’t suffer, you cannot live this life and escape pain. What he does promise is that if you spend your life holding his hand and loving him, he will give you strength, love, purpose, identity, forgiveness, and you will be made perfect through him.
Christmas isn’t Santa or gifts under a tree – at the core it’s that the savior of the world was born to us and that is what we celebrate. If you follow him, if you make time for him, you will find complete wholeness and healing and you will be rewarded with a rich, unfathomable love that is unbreakable. And, it won’t be dependent on your circumstances – whether a peak or valley – nothing will rob you of the peace and love of our savior.
My Christmas wish is for you to be happy and at peace without your life having to go a certain way. Chase Jesus and let me know what happens.
Merry Christmas